Pheidippides and Pan
Pan: Whoa, where’s the fire?
Pheidippides: (gasping, doubled over) No fire, just running to inform the Athenians that the Spartans won’t be able to assist them in the battle against the Persians.
Pan: No, that was a literal question. I came out of my cave to take a leak, and I got all turned around. (lights a match) Ok, there we go, much better. Sit down a moment.
Pheidippides: I can’t, there’s no time to spare!
Pan: I think you should. I have some important plot points to convey. However, I’m not like other gods, I’m Pan, I don’t try to tell anyone what to do.
Pheidippides: What plot points?
Pan: Despite the fact that I literally live in a cave, I have noticed that there is a gathering at Marathon. Due to climate change, I have to go farther and farther to look for profitable grazing areas, and just yesterday, as I was peeking over the horizon, I saw the Athenians in a staring contest with the Persians, a grand meadow between them, and I noticed some things that immediately caught my attention and confirmed the Athenians will be the victors.
Pheidippides: What things?
Pan: First of all, I noticed Athenians, and those dudes always ignore me. It’s not just the Athenians. Frankly, things have been slow with the Olympian goddesses as well. They barely know I exist. The only women I am getting lately are Spring Breakers and hood rats on vacation, and both of those groups have lice. I would like to gain credibility with a higher class of females by assisting the Athenians in their victory against the much larger and militarily experienced Persians, who would normally destroy them otherwise.
Pheidippides: (Politely) Thanks.
Pan: That’s right. You heard me. The goatherd Pan is now asserting himself on the battlefield. Yes. You did hear me right.
Pheidippides; (silent).
Pan: Well, understand. You’re a little skeptical. But I saw something else.
Pheidippides: What?
Pan: I saw Aeschylus.
Pheidippides: The writer?
Pan: Yes, a writer. The writer and the inventor of the conversation. You’re in such a hurry, you haven’t noticed that you are talking to me. Aeschylus has decided to place a second character onstage to convey important information to the first. Without Aeschylus, people can’t talk to each other.
Pheidippides: (amazed) You’re right! We are talking! This will be so helpful from now on!
Pan: And moreover. Don’t let appearances deceive you. Aeschylus is a badass who boils babies for breakfast in a nice casserole, although always has the decency to so offstage.
Pheidippides: Why does he hate babies so much?
Pan: If you’ve seen his plays, he hates dirty diapers.
Pheidippides: But he probably has never changed a diaper.
Pan: No, but he’s aware of the issue. And his goal in life is to make plays so shocking, pregnant women have spontaneous abortions in the audience.
Pheidippides: He said that?
Pan: He did. He *really* hates babies.
Pheidippides: Is that all you plan to do to defeat the Persians?
Pan: No, I plan to introduce all the benefits of my animal neuroses. I had an epiphany the other day. I was trapped in a ragged abandoned shed, and I totally freaked out. Have you ever seen a freaked-out goat trapped in a shed?
Pheidippides: Yes, many times.
Pan: I completely destroyed that shed to splinters. Then I discovered my superpower. Uncontrollable anxiety. I am calling it Pan-ic. Tell the name to your people. I will use this goat-in-a-shed superpower to induce hysteria among the force of Persians.
Pheidippides: In return for your assistance, I will ensure that the Athenians build a shrine to you, and worship you alongside the other gods.
Pan: That will really help. But no public monuments. Make all your shrines to me in caves in the mountains, because I hate people and like drinking in caves.
Pheidippides: Done.
