Story Drafts for Simultaneously New and Nearly Ancient Book/Movie/Sanitary Pad Liner about the Titanic

1.Growing hubris among old money led to cultural practice/commonly held belief that only poor people know how to swim.

2. Energetic young seafaring men will always and incessantly communicate with their superiors in written notes.

3. Titanic sinking caused by a mild 1912 winter in the artic, capitalism, and pollution from airplanes.

3. Molly Brown simultaneously overbearing wife, example of pioneer stamina, example of New money that can’t buy sophistication, and a closet lesbian.

4. Yet another example of arrogance of the rich is that in every single exterior shot of the Titanic as it is careening across the water under a moonlight sky, every window in every single room is lit up, as rich people stay up late drinking, partying, wasting electricity, and blinding themselves to the impending disaster and organized labor.

5. Slow sinking of Titanic mirrored in sense of ennui prominent in French literature of the time, over-used and ineffectual. Also chacteristic of the rich, takes them forever to do anything, right?

6. Plenty of lifeboats initially, but stolen in prank-gone-wrong by leprechauns hiding in clothing of poor Irish immigrants. Leprechauns also drowned, ultimately, not understanding the significance of the lifeboats.

7. Real reason so many refused to leave the shift was not confidence in engineering but open bar in Tiki Lounge.

8. Initial staggering, incalculable human loss later quantified by Einstein. Einstein awarded a Nobel Prize in 1928 for this breakthrough discovery

9. Captain ever vigilant and mindful of his duty, only taking his eyes off the ocean horizon for the 2 hours and 40 minutes it took for the ship to hit the iceberg and sink.

10. Poor passengers not really so much interested in drinking and folk dancing as avoiding starvation.

11. Guy in Cabin 12 throwing all the money he has into salted pork and corsets.

12. Sailor supposed to be telegraphing for help is faking it, hopes it is not really that important, also delayed response to command to move ship to starboard because he couldn’t remember which side was starboard.

13. Steerage passenger faking pretentious East Anglia accent really from West Anglia, also not a Viking warrior.

14. Elderly couple everyone thinks died in bed cuddling really each seized independently after using all their old people strength to strangle the other in failed double suicide pact.

15. Guy in Cabin 24 planning to switch religions upon arrival in New York, considering the circumstances, but not before, as he is hoping to keep the whole thing quiet until he arrives at the Hamptons in traditional Hindu garments.